Ask a Pastor Column

Presenting Biblical answers to tough questions

Q: As a parent with grown children, I’m struggling to know how involved in their decisions I should be. What does the Bible say?

A:  This is a great question. The Bible reveals an important change that should take place in our relationship with our children when they are grown. If we are not intentional in making this change at the proper time, we can cause a lot of hardship for ourselves and our children.

The basis for this change is found by examining several passages. But first, we should note the unchanging basis for parent-child relationships in Exodus 20:12. The fourth commandment tells us all, adults and children, to honor our father and mother. Parents are always entitled to respectful treatment, because God says so!

Another passage instructs children to obey their parents in the Lord (Ephesians 6:1). The primary way in which children honor their parents is by joyfully and willingly obeying their instructions. Parents are right to uphold and require obedience from their young children. And they are right to exercise authority over the choices their children make.

However, there comes a point when children step out from under their parents’ authority, either to become independent adults or to join with a spouse in founding a new family unit with a new authority structure. This is seen most clearly in Genesis 2:24.

I believe (and many teachers agree) that the point at which this takes place is the point of financial independence. As long as my children are dependent upon me it is right for them to submit to my authority. The responsibility of providing for them is balanced by the right and privilege of authority over them. To separate from one is to separate from both.

So then, if your children have left home and established financial independence from you, then your relationship is no longer one that contains any direct authority. It is still right for them to honor your sacrifices, greater experience, and greater wisdom. And hopefully your relationship with them is healthy enough that they feel comfortable seeking your advice and counsel as needed. However, we must no longer require obedience from them, because God has instructed them to separate from that. Their life is now their own and we must give them freedom to make their own choices, even wrong choices, and learn from their mistakes.

The questions and answers compiled over the last year are now available in hard-copy and digital format. To request a copy send an email to askapastor [email protected] or by mail to Formoso Church; P.O. Box 66; Formoso, Kan. 66942